If you witness any of these warning signs on a first date, you may want to consider canceling the appointment … (+)
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Believe it or not, many people come to therapy for dating guidance. Especially when relationships are still in their early stages, people can seek advice from a therapist if they are unsure about a potential partner or meeting with them. After a first date, they might ask their therapist things like:
- “I felt a little uncomfortable with the amount they wanted to share with me, and the amount they expected me to share with them. Is that weird, or am I thinking about it too much?”
- “I was a little discouraged by their insistence on going home with them. Is that a valid way to feel about me, or do they just really love me?
- “I honestly couldn’t tell where we were when the date was over. I thought it went well, but I have no idea if they felt the same way.”
First dates can be precarious; we get nervous and desperately want to make a good impression. But when we do that, we may miss some serious warning signs – perhaps out of fear of putting them off, or even just hoping that the relationship will last. However, if your date exhibits any of the following three behaviors, it’s safe to say that a second date may not be worth it.
Red flag number 1: They share too much, and they expect the same from you
Imagine the date starts normally; you throw out some questions and statements in the hope of getting to know them. After a while, however, the conversation takes a turn and your attempts at friendly, introspective small talk are dismissed.
Suddenly they turn the conversation to uncomfortable topics that you would never expect to come up on a first date, like their “crazy” exes, their sexual history, or even their past traumas. And then they look at you expectantly, waiting for similar stories. Or worse, they think it’s your “turn” and they start hounding you with very personal questions.
If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable during such situations, or think you might, you have every right to feel that way. Oversharingaccording to a 2015 report study of the International Encyclopedia of the Social and Behavioral Sciencesreflects a major, crucial problem: a lack of boundaries between private and public life.
Closeness is something that is earned over time; Once two people feel happy and comfortable enough in each other’s presence, conversations can naturally focus on their past and their deeper thoughts. However, expecting unconditional honesty and closeness on a first date raises several red flags – and so does expecting it to return. Skipping small talk in favor of the “deep stuff” may seem like a confident move, but at best it reflects a lack of boundaries. And at worst, it can also indicate a lack of respect for yours.
Red Flag #2: They’ll fire you if you don’t give them what they want
Imagine that the date is almost over. You’ve had a good time, but you’re a little tired (or a little tipsy) and ready to retreat to the comfort of your own space, process the evening’s events and get some sleep. However, as you try to say goodbye, your date starts insisting on “Just one more drink,” or suggesting things like “Why don’t we keep this up?” You could return to my house.” Despite your superior, polite “No, thanks,” they persist. Eventually they get frustrated and respond with, “I bought you food, and this is the thanks I get?” or, “Whatever, I see what it’s like.”
Again, feeling uncomfortable in such a situation is not only natural, but also justified. “Negotiation can quickly turn into manipulation if people don’t understand how to communicate in a healthy way,” he explains Taylor Counseling Group. They continue: “This is especially true if people have never learned that they don’t always get their way. People who have not yet reached emotional and intellectual maturity often do not know how to handle disappointment, which can lead them to pressure others to get what they want.
At best, someone who behaves this way on a first date is exhibiting transactional behavior; they don’t really value you as a person, they value what you can offer them in return for their time and money. And at worst, the inability to take “no” for an answer could be an indication of something much more serious: narcissism. As the Taylor Counseling Group explains, “Narcissists can easily become angry at criticism and often lack empathy.” They continue: “For fear of disappointment or missing an opportunity to feel valued, a narcissist may push you to make decisions or pursue actions that satisfy their desires.”
Red Flag #3: You don’t know if they really cared about the date, or about you
Imagine you’re halfway through the date and are doing your best to strike up a conversation and get to know the person across the table. You ask thoughtful questions, add a story here and there, but their responses are lukewarm at best. Maybe they respond to every question with a half-hearted “Oh, nice” or a noncommittal “That’s cool.” Or worse, you notice their eyes wandering around the room or glancing at their phone every now and then. By the end of the evening, despite your best efforts, you wonder if they actually enjoyed the date, or even cared about being there.
Feeling uncomfortable or insecure in such situations is completely natural – and a valid reaction. A 2022 study by Personal relationships notes how crucial perceived responsiveness is in relationships, describing this as the “foundation of intimacy.”
For a potential relationship to blossom, both people need to feel seen and appreciated – and that starts with signals that show interest and attention. When your date responds nonchalantly, it can feel like a personal rejection. Even if they don’t really mean it and really care, without signals that they care about what you share, it’s impossible to gauge whether they actually appreciate you. You just wonder if you guys are even on the same page.
In most cases, a detached airiness indicates emotional unavailability: a sign that they are unwilling or unable to connect on a deeper level. If their indifference makes you wonder if they care if you get home safely — or if they’ll even think about you afterward — they’re probably not invested.
The first steps to determining whether a relationship with someone is possible usually require at least a basic sense of reciprocity and effort. If they can’t provide that on a first date, take it as a sign that they won’t be able to do that later. After all, the foundation for a healthy relationship is laid early on – and if responsiveness is lacking from the start, walking away may be the best option.
Does the fear of being single make you turn a blind eye to warning signs? Take this science-based test to find out: Fear of being one shell